"Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you" ~ 1 Peter 5:7 NIV
A verse that has helped me through some... difficult (for lack of a better word) times. You see, nervousness is a natural human feeling. It's our instinct to feel nervous when we're doing something that could be a danger. It also seems to give us an edge while on stage or doing a test. Don't ask me how, but it does.
Now, take that slight nervousness, magnify it by what seems like a trillion, and voila you have anxiety. This word seems to be used so much nowadays that I don't think people scope how serious it really is.
When I was younger I was always a pretty nervous kid. Slight things would tip me off and I would box myself in. Try not to worry. Freak out on the inside. And not show a thing on the outside. I remember one time, there was this pet expo (and as you already are probably aware, I love animals) in a nearby city that I begged and begged to go to. I was able to go but after being there a while, I desperately wanted to go home. I couldn't take it. So many people, having to interact with so many of them as well. It freaked me out. This may sound a little dramatic but just hear me out.
Over time this anxiety got worse and worse, and I shoved it deep inside me, didn't let anyone in, and made it a lot harder on myself. And through doing this I learned how to keep a straight face. I never had any full-fledged panic attacks, so keeping stuff hidden was easy.
My heart starts pounding. Mind is racing. Palms go sweaty. I'm looking for anything and everything to get my mind to calm down. Writing. Watching a movie. Working with my animals. I can't sleep, so now I'm exhausted. Every single possible outcome of a situation runs through my head so fast I can barely process them but somehow I have a plan for every single thing that happens. I'll say this, do this, if this goes wrong I'll play it off like I meant to do it that way. Tears rarely well up, because I've trained them not to, but they feel like it. My stomach will start to ache and churn as if the "cute little butterflies" have turned into something trying to claw it's way out. I dread everything, enjoy nothing, and feel desperate to get away. All this happens at once. Inside. No one knows.
If I do show any signs of anxiety, you may catch me biting my nails, chewing the inside of my cheek or picking my lip. Cracking my knuckles, wrists, neck and any other joint I can manage to crack again for the 12th time that day. I'll fidget in my seat, changing positions. Fiddling with something like my hair, clothes, a pen.
But at the end of the day, there's only one way to truly calm down. And that's exactly what Peter was saying in that one short verse up there. Those 11 words are the difference between having another sleepless night and actually getting some rest for a change. The difference between staying at home or going out. The difference between showing people who I truly am inside or placing up another wall, after 15 years of doing so (oh yeah... my birthday was a week and a half ago :P).
Now, I don't mean mumbling to yourself a little "Give me what I want" prayer. I mean truly, and genuinely giving God all you have. Knocking down those walls that you've placed up, built up even to the God who sees all. Casting all your fears, anxieties, troubles, pains, worries, guilts, sorrows, the list goes on, to him! I know that on my own this anxiety disorder will never go away. But with his power it can. That doesn't mean he will, because this may be a trial he wants me to face in this life to bring me closer to him, and I've come to accept that, but since I've given this all to him (and opened up to others about it) it sure has gotten a lot better, and for me, that's proof enough of his power!
~Isaac
